I gaze at the screen, tears welling up in my eyes, and the telltale signs of sleep deprivation etched across my face. It’s been days since I’ve had a proper shower, and here I am, sporting my old Star Wars shirt (do I really want people to know I love Ewoks?).
Yes, I must do this. Gather yourself, Kylie. Everyone is safe, and now it’s time to share. You promised you’d share the good, the bad, and the ugly on this journey. But what will people think? Will they judge me? Will they think I’m a bad mom? Will they criticize me? How will this make me look? Just do it. Okay, deep breath, here it goes…
These were the thoughts swirling in my head just before I posted a picture of myself sobbing on social media. Little did I know that this simple act would touch the lives of so many. The day started like any other for a stay-at-home mom of three, with my firstborn having just turned three. My twins, barely a year old, had recently started sleeping through the night, but teething and illnesses had made sleep a luxury for me. Exhausted and irritable, I hoped to put the babies down for a nap so I could have a moment to myself and collapse on the couch. We’ve all been there, right? Well, this day happened to be the day when everyone decided to boycott naps. With anxiety already running high (a symptom of what I now know was postpartum depression and anxiety, but I did NOT know it could last almost a year postpartum), I reached my breaking point.
For some reason, I thought I could lull my baby to sleep with singing and anger. “JUST SLEEP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” or something to that effect was definitely screamed. Slamming doors and shouting, I was having a temper tantrum of my own. When my family knew everyone was safe, albeit probably still crying, I shed tears of my own. Knowing I would have to pick up the house and do this whole thing all over again in a few precious minutes, I wanted to kick back and put up my feet, maybe uncork a bottle of wine. It was in that moment, coming down the stairs with bottles in hand to wash, that I knew I had to share these emotions I was feeling. I had to explore these emotions myself. What was I feeling and why? I had to put it into words. Not for people to feel sorry for me, and definitely not for people to give me advice. I knew this was not the “right” way to be a mother, but simply for connection.
When I first learned I was having twins while raising my one-year-old son, I cried. “But I already have a baby!” were the first words out of my mouth as the ultrasound technician scanned my belly to reveal not one but two 8-week-old embryos. My husband was away on military duty, and I was alone. He had jokingly mentioned weeks before that I was definitely having twins because I was already showing, and he was right. My family was joyful and surprised. Twins didn’t run in our family. I was happy, fearful, and anxious, a whirlwind of emotions. How would I cope with being a mom of three under three? How would my firstborn deal with having not one but two new baby brothers? How would our family stay afloat? As much as I wanted a baby, was I ready for or would I be able to handle two?
I’m not the only mom who’s ever dealt with adding a new child to their family. I know so many moms struggle with this same transition. I know there are moms who would LOVE to add more children to their family, moms who have struggled so hard to conceive those babies. I know I am lucky. I also knew I was not the only mom to have three under three (or MORE), so I searched the internet.
With my first child, either I didn’t search hard enough or there was a definite lack of information out there because I seriously did NOT know what to expect. How did I not know that you don’t come out of the hospital looking like all those celebrities in the magazines, slim and fit post-baby? Oh, because I only saw celebrities in magazines. How did I not know about diastasis recti and the potential for your abs or belly button to not return to normal? Oh yeah, celebrities and those darn magazines again. Oh, but Instagram has to have real people with postpartum bodies, right? Oh, no, it’s fitness models promising you can have the same body too if you do these exercises or drink these drinks.
Okay, so I’d have to be my own advocate, I thought. With this twin pregnancy, even though it was scary and overwhelming, I had to SHARE. Share my experiences, my feelings, and my body, a REAL person’s body.
As I stared at the screen, tears welled up in my eyes, and the unmistakable signs of sleep deprivation etched lines across my face. It had been days since I last enjoyed a proper shower, and there I stood, clad in my old Star Wars shirt (did I really want to admit my fondness for Ewoks?).
Nevertheless, I knew I had to proceed. Pull yourself together, Kylie. Everyone is safe, and it’s time to open up. You promised to share the highs, the lows, and the downright chaotic moments of this journey. But what will people think? Will they pass judgment on me? Label me as a less-than-perfect mom? Shower me with criticism? How will this affect my image? But enough of these doubts, it’s time to dive in. Okay, deep breath, here it goes…
These were the thoughts swirling through my mind just before I posted a picture of myself sobbing on social media. Little did I know that this simple act would resonate with so many. The day started like any other for a stay-at-home mom of three, with my firstborn having just turned three. My twins, not yet a year old, had recently started sleeping through the night, but teething and illnesses had made sleep a rare luxury for me. Exhausted and irritable, I hoped to put the babies down for a nap so I could steal a moment of respite on the couch. We’ve all been there, right? Well, this day just happened to be the day when everyone decided to boycott naps. With anxiety already running high (a symptom of what I now recognize as postpartum depression and anxiety, although I didn’t realize it could last almost a year postpartum), I reached my breaking point.
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For some reason, I thought I could lull my baby to sleep with soothing lullabies mixed with frustration. “JUST SLEEP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” or something along those lines was most certainly yelled. Doors slammed, and voices were raised. I was having a tantrum of my own. When my family knew everyone was safe, albeit probably still crying, I let my own tears flow. Knowing that I’d have to tidy up the house and go through it all over again in a few precious minutes, I yearned to relax and put my feet up, perhaps even open a bottle of wine. It was in that moment, descending the stairs with bottles in hand, that I realized I had to share these emotions. I had to explore these feelings for myself. What was I feeling, and why? I needed to put it into words. Not seeking sympathy, and definitely not seeking advice. I understood that this wasn’t the “right” way to be a mother, but I needed connection.
When I first learned I was expecting twins while already raising my one-year-old son, tears welled up in my eyes. “But I already have a baby!” were the first words that escaped my lips as the ultrasound technician scanned my belly, revealing not one but two 8-week-old embryos. My husband was away on military duty, and I was alone. He had jokingly mentioned weeks before that I was definitely having twins because I was already showing, and he was right. My family was thrilled and surprised. Twins didn’t run in our family. I was simultaneously happy, fearful, and anxious – a whirlwind of emotions. How would I manage being a mom of three under three? How would my firstborn cope with not one but two new baby brothers? How would our family stay afloat? As much as I wanted a baby, was I truly ready for, or capable of, handling two?
I’m not the only mom who’s ever grappled with adding a new child to their family. I know many mothers face the same transition. I know there are mothers who would LOVE to add more children to their family, mothers who have fought so hard to conceive those babies. I am aware of how fortunate I am. I also knew I wasn’t the only mom dealing with three children under three (or MORE), so I turned to the internet.
With my first child, either I didn’t search hard enough, or there was indeed a lack of information out there because I honestly did NOT know what to expect. How did I not know that you don’t magically leave the hospital looking like those celebrities in the magazines, with a slim and toned post-baby body? Oh, because I was only exposed to celebrities in magazines. How did I remain oblivious to diastasis recti and the potential for my abs or belly button not returning to their pre-pregnancy state? Oh yeah, blame it on the celebrities and those pesky magazines once again. But surely, Instagram would feature real people with postpartum bodies, right? Wrong, it was inundated with fitness models promising you could achieve the same body if you followed their workout routines or consumed their recommended products.
Alright then, I’d have to be my own advocate, I decided. Despite the fear and overwhelm of this twin pregnancy, I knew I had to SHARE. Share my experiences, my emotions, and my real, unfiltered body – a body of a real person.
